Spotting the telltale signs of emotional abuse in others: a therapist's guide

With around 1 in 5 adults saying that they have experienced emotional abuse, there's a high chance that someone you know and love is going through this. But this type of abuse can be so subtle and insidious that it's very hard to see from the outside. It can come as a huge shock to find out that someone you know well is in an abusive relationship.

When people think of abuse, they may imagine something like a scene in a film or series, where there is shouting, aggression and fear that can be clearly seen.

But covert emotional and psychological abuse often looks very different. One of the most confusing aspects of emotional abuse is that, from the outside, everything may appear normal, even seemingly flourishing.

They may seem like that friend or family member that has it all together: a charming partner, lovely home, a great job, embracing parenthood if this is the stage they're at.

But pay attention to your friend: you may notice that they are quieter when they're out in public together, or that they seem a bit more on edge or more distracted than the person you know.

Whilst it's most commonly the partner who is abusive, it can also be their manager at work, a parent or sibling or even their own child (who can be weaponised by the abusive parent).

Here, I'm focussing on abuse from a partner (now often referred to as intimate partner abuse).

It's highly likely that their partner will be charming to you and be attentive and affectionate towards your friend in public, though there will be some signs creeping in to signal that this dynamic may not be as caring as it seems.

Another insidious aspect of emotional abuse is that you might unknowingly collude with the abuser's narrative that their partner is 'a bit scatty', 'silly' etc. In essence, "you know what she/he is like". You might find yourself laughing along with their 'joke', unaware that this will later be used as 'proof' towards your friend that 'everyone finds you ridiculous / flaky / embarrassing'.

Or sometimes the partner is simply absent from social situations so nobody clearly sees the relational dynamic at all. Perhaps you've noticed that your friend increasingly turns up to events alone, and when they do they are often late, or distracted.

Often, it is not one dramatic moment that alerts you something is wrong. It is a gradual feeling that the person you once knew is becoming harder to reach.

These are some telltale signs that you may start to notice:

• increasingly erratic or 'flaky' behaviour — turning up late, overwhelmed or flustered

• inconsistent communication, such as not replying to messages or disappearing for weeks at a time

• they attend events alone where you would normally expect them to arrive as a couple

• they seem less emotionally present or interested in your life than they once were

• they become difficult to make plans with, regularly cancelling at the last minute

• they over-explain themselves and repeat things that they've already told you

• conversations feel different somehow — flatter, distracted or emotionally absent

• constantly checking their phone, having to take calls and coming back upset

Increasingly, you feel that something is “off,” but you cannot fully explain why.

This shift in your relationship can feel deeply confusing and hurtful, leading to you to assume: maybe they don’t care anymore. Maybe the friendship is changing. Maybe I’ve done something wrong.

Covert emotional abuse can slowly erodes a person’s capacity for connection, spontaneity, safety and emotional availability. They may be surviving psychologically in ways that are difficult to see from the outside.

Signs you may pick up on in yourself:

As a somatic therapist, I believe our nervous systems often register relational danger long before our minds fully understand it.

Sometimes, before you consciously recognise concern for someone, your body has already noticed the shift.

You may experience:

• an unexplainable feeling of tension around the relationship

• strong emotions such as annoyance, anger or guilt that you can't quite explain

• a lingering sense that your friend is “slipping away” from you

• sadness, confusion or hypervigilance after interactions

• a profound feeling of disconnection

• fight/flight/freeze energy - feeling angry, wanting to get away or shut down

• activation of your own attachment wounds — particularly abandonment wounds.

You may notice yourself wondering: Why does this feel so unsettling? Why do I feel rejected or shut out? Why do I suddenly feel anxious about this relationship?

Covert abuse does not only impact the person experiencing it directly; it has a ripple effect on the whole relational field around them.

Friends and family members may begin unconsciously adapting too — walking on eggshells, withdrawing, protecting their own emotional boundaries.

This is part of what makes covert abuse so psychologically disorientating. The confusion itself becomes part of the dynamic.

Why emotional abuse is so hard to recognise:

Covert abuse often happens slowly and subtly through:

• emotional withdrawal

• criticism disguised as concern

• manipulation

• coercive control

• blame-shifting

• unpredictability

• gaslighting

• isolation

• creating chronic self-doubt

Over time, a person may begin to lose trust in their own thoughts, emotions, instincts or memories. This can translate into being seen as flaky, unreliable, oversensitive, or difficult to be around.

Many people experiencing emotional abuse don't initially describe it as abuse at all because they can't see the pattern from the inside.

So what can you do?

If someone you care about seems to have changed in subtle ways you can't quite put your finger on, listen to the discomfort in your own body and understand that this could be third-hand abuse.

When you feel ready, reach out to your friend. Not to put any more pressure on either you or them to do anything to intervene at this stage, but to let them know that you care about them.

Perhaps you could say: I’ve noticed you don’t quite seem yourself lately. I’m here if you ever want to talk.

Covert abuse thrives in confusion, silence and low self worth. Showing up with a steady, compassionate friendship can help interrupt that isolation.

It may be that, in time, you can help signpost them to getting professional help and support as this isn't something that you can take on by yourself. It's a time to ensure you have a good support network and to look after your own mental wellbeing, as it can be a long process before your friend or loved one is able to safely leave the abuser.

Support and reporting abuse:

If you're worried about someone you know or love, you can find a wealth of information about what to look out for and a guide for concerned friends and family on the Women's Aid website.

Friends and family handbook: https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/friends-and-family/https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/friends-and-family/

You can call a free National Domestic Abuse helpline, run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 (24/7)

In an emergency situation to report abuse, you should call the police on 999.

I work compassionately with people navigating attachment wounds, emotional abuse, relational trauma and the long-term impact of difficult relationship dynamics.

Healing often begins with reconnecting to your own instincts, feelings and emotions.

If this is something that resonates with you in this post - or that you yourself might be the one needing support with an abusive situation - then please reach out. You can message me here or book a free 15 minute call with me.