Boundaries aren’t barriers: how they help heal attachment wounds and honour your inner child

pippa
3 days ago
4 min read

Woman honouring her inner child, at a serene lake at sunrise

If you’ve ever felt guilty for saying no, overwhelmed by other people’s expectations or unsure where you end and someone else begins — you’re not alone.

Many (arguably most) of us weren’t taught how to set healthy boundaries. And more importantly, they probably weren't modelled to us so we're unsure if it's safe to set them. In therapy, you'll learn that boundaries aren’t harsh or unkind — they’re a powerful way to care for yourself.

In fact, setting boundaries is one of the most healing things you can do for your relationships, your nervous system and your inner child.

What are boundaries — really?

Boundaries are like invisible guidelines that help protect our time, energy, emotions and sense of self. They let us stay connected to others without losing touch with ourselves.

A boundary can be as simple as:

Saying “I’m not available at the moment"
Asking for space when you feel overwhelmed
Choosing not to take on someone else’s emotional load

They don’t shut people out — they show people how to love and respect you better.

Why are boundaries so hard to set?

If you find it challlenging or impossible to set boundaries, it's likely that this is rooted in attachment wounds and early life experiences.

If you grew up in an environment where your needs weren’t met, your emotions were ignored, or love felt conditional, you might have learned that:

Saying no leads to rejection or anger
Pleasing others is the way to stay safe
Your needs aren’t important — or you are “too much".

These early messages don’t just disappear. They live inside us — often in the form of the inner child — that tender, younger part of you still longing for safety, acceptance and care.

Attachment and boundaries

Each attachment style forms a pattern we unconsciously carry into adult relationships:

Anxious attachment might make you feel afraid that boundaries will push people away.
Avoidant attachment might make closeness feel threatening — so you pull back or shut down.
Disorganized attachment can lead to confusion, inconsistency, or guilt around boundary-setting.

The good news? These patterns are not permanent. In therapy, you can explore where they came from and how to create something different — more secure, grounded and loving.

Inner child healing and boundaries

In my view, one of the most powerful parts of therapy is reconnecting with your inner child — the part of you that still carries unmet needs, fears and emotional truths.

Many of us are walking around as adults trying to meet those childhood needs through over-giving, people-pleasing or avoiding conflict.

But setting a boundary — even a small one — can feel like telling that inner child:

“I see you now. I’ll keep you safe. Your needs matter.

This is where deep healing can happen.

Why boundaries are good for you (and your relationships)

Setting boundaries might feel scary at first, especially if this is new to you. But, over time, they bring so many benefits:

More energy and less resentment.
You stop pouring from an empty cup.
Greater self-respect.
Each time you honour your limits, you remind yourself: I am worthy of care.
Deeper, more honest connections.
Real intimacy comes from being seen — not just being agreeable.
Emotional safety.
Boundaries help regulate your nervous system so that your relationships don’t feel like emotional rollercoasters.

How to start setting healthy boundarie

If you’re new to this: I advise starting small. Boundary-setting is a skill — and like any skill, it gets easier with practice.

💬 Try saying things like:

“I’d love to help, but I need some time for myself today"
“Can we talk about this later when I have more capacity?”
“I care about you, but I need some space to think"

💡 And here are a few therapeutic tools that help:

Inner child check-ins:
Ask yourself: what does my younger self need right now?
Somatic awareness:
Notice how your body responds in situations — tightening, fatigue, unease — these are often boundary signals
Gentle self-talk:
Reassure yourself: It’s okay to have needs. I don’t have to explain or justify my limits
Therapeutic support:
If this feels too big to do alone, that’s okay. Therapy offers a safe place to practice boundaries and work through the guilt or fear that often comes with them.

Boundaries: an invitation to connection

Contrary to what many of us were taught, boundaries aren’t about pushing people away — they’re about letting them in more safely.

When you set boundaries, you’re not being mean. You’re being clear. You’re saying:

“This is who I am. This is what I need to feel safe, present, and well.”

And that’s not selfish — that’s sacred.

🌱 Try This:

Take a quiet moment this week and ask yourself:

What is one boundary my inner child wishes I would set?

Then take a small step to honour that wish — with kindness and care.

If you’re curious about how inner child work or attachment therapy can help you feel safer and more empowered in your relationships, please get in touch.

🧡 You deserve to feel safe in your own skin — and in your connections with others.