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How (and why) to connect with your inner child

Writer's picture: pippapippa

Updated: Jan 23




"I'm curious how old you feel at this moment?" Your therapist noticing your inner child is in the therapy room!
"I'm curious how old you feel at this moment?" Your therapist noticing your inner child is in the therapy room!

You've probably heard and read about people talking about their inner child and may be curious about what it is and how it can be a powerful tool in therapy. This work can help you gain a deeper understanding of the root causes of your emotional patterns, self-sabotaging behaviours and relationship dynamics.


Connecting with our inner child

Our inner child represents the part of us that formed our earliest beliefs about ourselves and our worth. These core beliefs, established in childhood, act as the foundation of our adult self esteem. When this foundation is insecure due to childhood experiences, our adult self esteem can suffer and it can show up in our choice of friends, partners and other life choices.


Early experiences leave lasting imprints on our sense of self, such as:


  • Messages received from caregivers about our value and lovability

  • Experiences of success or failure and how they were handled

  • Whether emotional needs were met or dismissed

  • How mistakes and learning were approached

  • The level of emotional safety in expressing feelings


Signs Your inner child needs attention


  • Intense emotional reactions that seem disproportionate

  • Recurring patterns of self-doubt or harsh self-criticism

  • Difficulty accepting praise or success

  • Fear of abandonment affecting current relationships

  • Persistent feelings of "not being good enough"



Key aspects of inner child work


"I'm curious how old you feel?"

If you work with me in therapy, this is a question you'll probably hear often and know well! Often, when people are telling me about a time when they felt hurt, misunderstood or angry and may have responded disproportionately to someone or something, it's as if they regress to a child version of themselves, right there in the therapy space. And through the lens of nervous system regulation, they have been sent back to a much younger age, as if by time travel, to the age they were when they first experienced a similar response.


Processing early wounds

Many adults carry unresolved childhood pain - whether from overt, known trauma or subtle experiences of not feeling seen, heard or validated. These wounds don't simply disappear with age. They often manifest in adulthood as people-pleasing, perfectionism or difficulty with intimacy. Inner child work provides a safe space to acknowledge and heal these early experiences.


Understanding current patterns

At the heart of inner child work is recognising and challenging the negative beliefs and patterns that originated in childhood. Your therapist will help you identify these beliefs, such as "I am not good enough" or "I am unlovable," and help you to reframe them.


Exploring this sensitively and holistically can help you understand how they affect not only your thoughts and emotions but also your physical health (as stress and negative self-perception can manifest as physical symptoms).


Emotional regulation

Children often develop strategies to manage overwhelming emotions without proper guidance or support. This might look like skin picking, hair pulling or self harm. Inner child work helps adults learn healthier ways to handle emotions while honouring the creativity and resilience of their childhood coping mechanisms.


Reparenting

A crucial aspect of inner child work is learning to give yourself the care, validation and protection you might have needed as a child. This involves developing self-compassion and creating an internal sense of safety. It usually takes time and a skilled therapist to help you to feel safe enough to go back to a time that you may have spent a lifetime avoiding. But it's worth the effort, as you'll be able to create that sense of safety within yourself, rather than relying on external validation.


Attachment

Another key element of inner child work is exploring how your childhood influences your current relationships. The way you relate to others is often a reflection of your early attachment patterns. Identifying and understanding these patterns can enable you to develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships with a deeper connection to yourself and others.


The impact of inner child work


The rewards of engaging with inner child work can look like:


  • Reduced anxiety and depression

  • Improved relationships

  • Better boundaries

  • Increased self-compassion

  • More authentic self-expression

  • Greater emotional awareness

  • Reduced shame and self-criticism


I'm always mindful to explain that this isn't about blaming parents or caregivers, but to understand how our early experiences shape us and learn to heal and grow. It's about recognising that while we can't change the past, we can change how we relate to it and, in doing so, transform our present experience.


What might inner child work look like in the therapy room?


I often use these tools and approaches with clients who want to engage in this work:


  • Inner child meditations

  • Creative interventions such as story writing exercises

  • Resources around reparenting

  • Somatic work

  • Guided visualisations


Is it worth the effort?


If you're feeling lost, stuck or that your life lacks meaning or purpose, I believe that inner child work can be the key to unlocking your full potential. It's not a quick fix, but a lifelong journey to reclaim your inner child's sense of authenticity, joy and resourcefulness.


If you're interested in exploring this in therapy, please get in touch.



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