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How can therapy improve your self esteem?

Writer's picture: pippapippa

Updated: Jan 22


A grey cat basks contentedly in the sunlight, sitting on top of two printed cushions
A grey cat basks contentedly in the sunlight, sitting on top of two printed cushions

Self esteem impacts nearly every aspect of our lives - from our relationships and career choices to our daily decisions and overall happiness. A low or uncertain sense of self worth is often the underlying cause of anxiety or depression which is why I have specialised in this area.


What will this look like in a therapy session?


While no two therapy sessions will look the same, I often bring in elements that I feel would help and inspire my clients to work on their self esteem. This might include journal prompts, getting to know and challenging your inner critic and connecting with your inner child. I always bring in some attachment work and help you to understand and learn how to regulate your nervous system responses (polyvagal theory is key here).


Signs that you may have low self esteem


Self doubt and self criticism are part of the human experience, but persistent low self esteem can manifest in several recognisable ways. Here are key signs that might indicate you may be struggling with low self-esteem:


  • Relationship patterns

You might find yourself constantly seeking approval from others or having difficulty setting boundaries. Perhaps you stay in unfulfilling relationships because you don't believe you deserve better or you apologise excessively for things that aren't your fault.


  • Professional life

At work, you might downplay your achievements, struggle to accept compliments or hesitate to apply for promotions, despite being qualified. You may overwork to prove your worth or avoid speaking up in meetings, though you have valuable insights to share.


  • Harsh inner critic

Your inner voice might be consistently harsh and critical. You may often think thoughts like "I'm not good enough," "I don't deserve success," or "Everyone else is better than me." This negative self-talk can feel automatic and difficult to challenge.


  • Decision making

You might struggle with making decisions, constantly second-guessing yourself or relying heavily on others' opinions. There may be a pattern of avoiding challenges due to fear of failure or judgment. You may be drawn to friends or partners who have strong opinions and make decisions for you.


  • Physical signs

Low self-esteem can manifest physically through poor posture, difficulty maintaining eye contact, or speaking in a quiet, apologetic tone. You might also neglect self-care because you don't feel worthy of investing time in yourself.


  • Social behaviour

You may find yourself comparing yourself unfavourably to others (social media can play a huge part), withdrawing from social situations or finding it hard to accept compliments. There might be a tendency to believe others are judging you as harshly as you judge yourself.



How attachment affects your self esteem


Our earliest relationships, particularly with caregivers, create blueprints for how we view ourselves and relate to others. These attachment patterns can significantly influence our self-esteem throughout life:


Secure attachment and healthy self esteem

When caregivers consistently respond to our needs with warmth and reliability, we typically develop secure attachment. This often translates to healthy self esteem, characterised by:

  • A solid sense of self-worth independent of external validation

  • Comfort with both giving and receiving support

  • Resilience in facing challenges

  • Ability to maintain boundaries while staying connected to others


Anxious attachment and self esteem

If early care was inconsistent or unpredictable, anxious attachment might develop, often leading to:

  • Excessive need for validation and reassurance

  • Fear of abandonment affecting self-worth

  • Tendency to overlook personal needs to maintain relationships

  • Difficulty trusting one's own judgment


Avoidant attachment's impact on self esteem

If your caregivers were emotionally distant or dismissive, avoidant attachment patterns might emerge, affecting self-esteem through:

  • Difficulty accepting help or showing vulnerability

  • Perfectionism as a shield against criticism

  • Maintaining emotional distance to protect against rejection

  • Struggling to acknowledge personal needs


Disorganised attachment and self worth

In cases where early relationships were chaotic or traumatic, disorganised attachment can develop, leading to:

  • Unpredictable self image

  • Difficulty trusting both self and others

  • Challenging relationship patterns that reinforce low self-worth

  • Internal conflict between seeking and fearing connection


The Healing Journey


Understanding your attachment style can be a crucial step in building healthier self esteem. A therapist specialising in self-esteem can help you:

  • Identify your attachment patterns and their impact on your self-worth

  • Develop more secure internal working models

  • Learn to meet your own emotional needs

  • Build healthier relationships that support positive self-esteem



Inner child work: healing early wounds to build self worth


Our inner child represents the part of us that formed our earliest beliefs about ourselves and our worth. These core beliefs, established in childhood, often act as the foundation of our adult self esteem. When this foundation is shaky due to childhood experiences, our adult self esteem can suffer.


Signs your inner child needs attention

  • Intense emotional reactions that seem disproportionate

  • Recurring patterns of self-doubt or harsh self-criticism

  • Difficulty accepting praise or success

  • Fear of abandonment affecting current relationships

  • Persistent feelings of "not being good enough"


How a therapist can support you:

  • Creating a safe space to explore early memories and feelings

  • Helping you dialogue with your younger self

  • Teaching you to "reparent" yourself with compassion

  • Processing unresolved childhood experiences

  • Building new, healthier beliefs about your worth


What might this look like in a session?

  • Visualisation exercises and story writing to connect with your younger self

  • Letter writing to express unspoken feelings

  • Inner child meditation

  • Creating new, positive self-talk based on what your child self needed to hear


Connection to adult self esteem

As you heal your inner child, you may notice:

  • Greater self compassion and decreased self criticism

  • More confidence in setting boundaries

  • Reduced people-pleasing tendencies

  • Improved ability to self soothe

  • Stronger sense of inherent worth



Polyvagal theory and self esteem: understanding the nervous system's role

Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps us understand how our nervous system's state directly influences our sense of self worth. Our ability to feel safe, connect with others and maintain healthy boundaries, all stem from our nervous system's regulation.


Ventral Vagal (Safe and Social)

When we're in this optimal state:

  • We feel secure enough to take healthy risks

  • Our self worth feels stable and resilient

  • We can connect authentically with others

  • Self compassion comes more naturally

  • We can process feedback without feeling threatened


Polyvagal theory in the therapy room helps you to:

  • Recognise your nervous system state and its impact on your self worth

  • Develop tools to regulate your nervous system

  • Build capacity for staying in ventral vagal state

  • Create safety in your body when addressing self esteem issues

  • Understand that low self esteem often reflects a dysregulated nervous system rather than personal failure



So how can I help?


Investing in your self esteem isn't selfish - I believe it's fundamental to living a fulfilling life. Every step toward better self worth, no matter how small, creates ripples that positively impact all areas of your life.


I believe that these different therapeutic approaches - attachment work, inner child healing, and nervous system regulation - create a powerful framework for building lasting self-esteem. My experience - both personal and professional - has led me to specialise in these areas, so I best support you in your journey to healthy self esteem.


Please reach out to book a free 15 minute discovery call.







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