
Self esteem impacts nearly every aspect of our lives - from our relationships and career choices to our daily decisions and overall happiness. A low or uncertain sense of self worth is often the underlying cause of anxiety or depression which is why I have specialised in this area.
What will this look like in a therapy session?
While no two therapy sessions will look the same, I often bring in elements that I feel would help and inspire my clients to work on their self esteem. This might include journal prompts, getting to know and challenging your inner critic and connecting with your inner child. I always bring in some attachment work and help you to understand and learn how to regulate your nervous system responses (polyvagal theory is key here).
Signs that you may have low self esteem
Self doubt and self criticism are part of the human experience, but persistent low self esteem can manifest in several recognisable ways. Here are key signs that might indicate you may be struggling with low self-esteem:
Relationship patterns
You might find yourself constantly seeking approval from others or having difficulty setting boundaries. Perhaps you stay in unfulfilling relationships because you don't believe you deserve better or you apologise excessively for things that aren't your fault.
Professional life
At work, you might downplay your achievements, struggle to accept compliments or hesitate to apply for promotions, despite being qualified. You may overwork to prove your worth or avoid speaking up in meetings, though you have valuable insights to share.
Harsh inner critic
Your inner voice might be consistently harsh and critical. You may often think thoughts like "I'm not good enough," "I don't deserve success," or "Everyone else is better than me." This negative self-talk can feel automatic and difficult to challenge.
Decision making
You might struggle with making decisions, constantly second-guessing yourself or relying heavily on others' opinions. There may be a pattern of avoiding challenges due to fear of failure or judgment. You may be drawn to friends or partners who have strong opinions and make decisions for you.
Physical signs
Low self-esteem can manifest physically through poor posture, difficulty maintaining eye contact, or speaking in a quiet, apologetic tone. You might also neglect self-care because you don't feel worthy of investing time in yourself.
Social behaviour
You may find yourself comparing yourself unfavourably to others (social media can play a huge part), withdrawing from social situations or finding it hard to accept compliments. There might be a tendency to believe others are judging you as harshly as you judge yourself.
How attachment affects your self esteem
Our earliest relationships, particularly with caregivers, create blueprints for how we view ourselves and relate to others. These attachment patterns can significantly influence our self-esteem throughout life:
Secure attachment and healthy self esteem
When caregivers consistently respond to our needs with warmth and reliability, we typically develop secure attachment. This often translates to healthy self esteem, characterised by:
A solid sense of self-worth independent of external validation
Comfort with both giving and receiving support
Resilience in facing challenges
Ability to maintain boundaries while staying connected to others
Anxious attachment and self esteem
If early care was inconsistent or unpredictable, anxious attachment might develop, often leading to:
Excessive need for validation and reassurance
Fear of abandonment affecting self-worth
Tendency to overlook personal needs to maintain relationships
Difficulty trusting one's own judgment
Avoidant attachment's impact on self esteem
If your caregivers were emotionally distant or dismissive, avoidant attachment patterns might emerge, affecting self-esteem through:
Difficulty accepting help or showing vulnerability
Perfectionism as a shield against criticism
Maintaining emotional distance to protect against rejection
Struggling to acknowledge personal needs
Disorganised attachment and self worth
In cases where early relationships were chaotic or traumatic, disorganised attachment can develop, leading to:
Unpredictable self image
Difficulty trusting both self and others
Challenging relationship patterns that reinforce low self-worth
Internal conflict between seeking and fearing connection
The Healing Journey
Understanding your attachment style can be a crucial step in building healthier self esteem. A therapist specialising in self-esteem can help you:
Identify your attachment patterns and their impact on your self-worth
Develop more secure internal working models
Learn to meet your own emotional needs
Build healthier relationships that support positive self-esteem
Inner child work: healing early wounds to build self worth
Our inner child represents the part of us that formed our earliest beliefs about ourselves and our worth. These core beliefs, established in childhood, often act as the foundation of our adult self esteem. When this foundation is shaky due to childhood experiences, our adult self esteem can suffer.
Signs your inner child needs attention
Intense emotional reactions that seem disproportionate
Recurring patterns of self-doubt or harsh self-criticism
Difficulty accepting praise or success
Fear of abandonment affecting current relationships
Persistent feelings of "not being good enough"
How a therapist can support you:
Creating a safe space to explore early memories and feelings
Helping you dialogue with your younger self
Teaching you to "reparent" yourself with compassion
Processing unresolved childhood experiences
Building new, healthier beliefs about your worth
What might this look like in a session?
Visualisation exercises and story writing to connect with your younger self
Letter writing to express unspoken feelings
Inner child meditation
Creating new, positive self-talk based on what your child self needed to hear
Connection to adult self esteem
As you heal your inner child, you may notice:
Greater self compassion and decreased self criticism
More confidence in setting boundaries
Reduced people-pleasing tendencies
Improved ability to self soothe
Stronger sense of inherent worth
Polyvagal theory and self esteem: understanding the nervous system's role
Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps us understand how our nervous system's state directly influences our sense of self worth. Our ability to feel safe, connect with others and maintain healthy boundaries, all stem from our nervous system's regulation.
Ventral Vagal (Safe and Social)
When we're in this optimal state:
We feel secure enough to take healthy risks
Our self worth feels stable and resilient
We can connect authentically with others
Self compassion comes more naturally
We can process feedback without feeling threatened
Polyvagal theory in the therapy room helps you to:
Recognise your nervous system state and its impact on your self worth
Develop tools to regulate your nervous system
Build capacity for staying in ventral vagal state
Create safety in your body when addressing self esteem issues
Understand that low self esteem often reflects a dysregulated nervous system rather than personal failure
So how can I help?
Investing in your self esteem isn't selfish - I believe it's fundamental to living a fulfilling life. Every step toward better self worth, no matter how small, creates ripples that positively impact all areas of your life.
I believe that these different therapeutic approaches - attachment work, inner child healing, and nervous system regulation - create a powerful framework for building lasting self-esteem. My experience - both personal and professional - has led me to specialise in these areas, so I best support you in your journey to healthy self esteem.
Please reach out to book a free 15 minute discovery call.
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