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Why is it so hard to answer: "Who am I?"

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"Who am I?”


I know - it’s a big question, possibly one of *the* big questions to answer, especially in therapy.


If it comes up for a client in a therapy session, it’s usually met with a frown, blank expression or grimace of discomfort. “I have no idea” is usually the response, if anything at all.


It can be upsetting to realise that you don’t really know who you are or what your beliefs are. Most people don’t ever question who they are - so therapy actually offers a rare opportunity to really stop and think about your choices, beliefs, how far you may have strayed from the path of your “authentic” or true self.


Often, in childhood, there may have been underlying themes of neglect, rejection or abandonment.


This could have looked like:


  • being the “good” child

  • learning to be quiet or make a beeline to your bedroom to avoid conflict

  • Daydreaming and/or being shy

  • feeling “too much” or “not enough”


Being emotionally abandoned in childhood prevents us from feeling like we have access to the skills needed to face discomfort and calm ourselves down.


In adulthood, self abandonment shows up as:


  • hyper-focussing on your partner and / or children’s needs

  • feeling anxious or avoidant about intimacy but craving affection

  • lots of time spent alone or feeling alone

  • shame or fear around setting boundaries

  • Numbing or addictive coping behaviours


Self abandonment can be defined as the rejection of your own thoughts, feelings and needs. It can happen when we experience an emotion that requires our attention but we ignore it by reaching for an external distraction, for example drinking when you feel lonely. Self abandonment happens when we ignore our need for self-soothing by asking something or someone else to assume the responsibility for our difficult feelings. Maybe you want your partner to make you happy all the time and you neglect your individual interests and goals; or perhaps you throw yourself into being the best possible parent.


Self abandonment happens when we ignore a thought, feeling or observation that needs our attention. Perhaps there are some potential red flags showing up with the person you're dating, but you’d rather give them a(nother) chance than be alone. Instead of listening to our valuable gut instinct, we soothe ourselves in the moment.


When we habitually dismiss our personal boundaries in order to make someone else happy, we discount our needs and comfort and, along the way, lose sight of who WE are. Perhaps you’re always saying “yes” to others when you really mean “NO”.


If any of this resonates with you, it could be the right time to gently explore and untangle the underlying patterns and learn who you are, as your adult self.



 
 
 

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